A few weeks ago, my daughter devastated me. She decided that I am no longer fit to be seen with her anywhere inside the school grounds. In fact, I’m not even fit to be seen with her outside the school grounds if any of her friends are nearby, or anyone she is remotely familiar with is potentially watching. It’s been a long time coming. She slowly stopped holding my hand, then walking next to me, then would only walk 2 metres in front of me into the school. And now, it’s a quick “bye mum” if I’m lucky before she runs off without even so much as a hug.
While my heart has been recovering, I’ve been reflecting on the change to “tween-hood”, and what this might mean for my daughter, and our changing relationship. “Tweens” really became a thing in the 90’s, when the developmental differences in 9-12 year olds was recognised as being unique to those of children or teenagers. Being a tween comes with it’s own challenges, joys, and experiences to be celebrated and worked through together.
The first thing to acknowledge is that puberty is hitting younger and younger. What was once thought to be a teenage phenomenon now occurs in kids as young as 8. And even if the physical symptoms aren’t there, the emotional ones certainly are! Tweens may be moody, irritable, and have more difficulty regulating their emotions. They go through huge emotional and cognitive changes, as well as learning to navigate an unpredictable social landscape. It’s exhausting for them, as well as their parents!
Brain under Construction
I found this piece on the Raising Children Network website, and I think it explains the process happening in a child’s brain perfectly:
Adolescence is a time of significant growth and development inside the pre-teen and teenage brain.
The main change is that unused connections in the thinking and processing part of your child’s brain (called the grey matter) are ‘pruned’ away. At the same time, other connections in the brain (the white matter) are strengthened. This is the brain’s way of becoming more efficient, based on the ‘use it or lose it’ principle.
This pruning process begins in the back of the brain. The front part of the brain, the prefrontal cortex, is remodelled last. The prefrontal cortex is the decision-making part of the brain. It’s responsible for your child’s ability to plan and think about the consequences of actions, solve problems and control impulses. Changes in this part of the brain continue into early adulthood.
Because the prefrontal cortex is still developing, pre-teens and teenagers might rely on a part of the brain called the amygdala to make decisions and solve problems more than adults do. The amygdala is associated with emotions, impulses, aggression and instinctive behaviour.
Here’s a few important things to encourage wellbeing for your tweenager.
- Tweens are in a time of intense change. They might seem rude or disrespectful, but often they are experiencing more complex, overwhelming emotions and don’t yet have the language or skill to be able to identify them. Give them time and connection to help them feel understood. During this time, when they are having trouble regulating emotions, it is our job as parents to regulate for them. Easier said then done! Tweens have a way of pushing all our buttons.
- Look for creative ways for tweens to start processing their emotions! It could be art, music, or writing. Even sport and exercise can be great ways for young people to process overwhelming feelings.
- Self-esteem can become a real issue for tweens. They start to become aware of others and start comparing. It’s best to focus on their strengths. Don’t talk negatively about their bodies or appearances. Bodies change so much over the course of a lifetime, where as negative self beliefs are much harder to shift. They need to believe that they are loved and secure, and that will do great things for their self worth, both now and into the future.
- Let your child take some healthy risks. Provide boundaries, but also opportunities for negotiating them. They are going to want to start becoming more independent, and it’s much better for them to talk to you about things then do it behind your back. Stay open and approachable, but firm with the things that really matter. Know your tweens friends. Talk to them about their values, and how to say no if they feel uncomfortable. Talk through potential consequences for their choices, and encourage them when the do something positive.
More information
Pre-teen & teenage development: a guide | Raising Children Network
Mrs Tegan March / Counsellor
